Notes taken on Defining Families (notes on CCL chapter 7)
Getting started: Images which I have in connection with family include family photos consisting of husband and wife; or of father, mother, daughter, and son; grandparents with grandchildren – or sometimes of extended families such as reunions, weddings, Christmas dinners and the like. On my dresser, I keep pictures of myself with my husband taken on our 25th wedding anniversary, as well as a photo of our whole family taken (at Olin Mills’ of course) when our daughter and son were young, as well as other photographic shots: our daughter and son in law after their wedding, our son dressed for his senior prom. My family fits the traditional image of family.
The grouping in the Rolling Stone photo of a “new” American family strikes me as the type of less committed group that I associate with Hollywood and pop culture. The “show” of family seems to be less real than fantasy, staged, designed, imagined.
Advertisements and television contribute to both extremes: nuclear and traditional families are certainly portrayed (as I type this, the television runs a United Air ad showing a retired man who decides to take his wife on a trip, followed by a father who considers how he will send his children to college by investing with Merrill Lynch – hardly a non-traditional attitude, but the Oscars are also being featured with all of the Hollywood pairings and splits that movies seem to inspire).
Monday, February 21: Pipher’s text, “Beliefs About Family” is taken from The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families (1996, available through inter-library loan). To analyze Pipher’s text, I first note that her thesis is an expanded definition and thus she deals with an issue of substantiation; she seeks to define "family" and thus deals with an issue of "disputed facts, definitions, causes, and consequences": According to Pipher, “Family is a collection of people who pool resources and help each other over the long haul” (237). In our society, one is “very lucky” if one’s family, so defined, is the one that one “is born into”; instead, more often, one forms a “family” of sorts. Pipher notes, however, that the security of family is not easily recreated. Therefore, her argument is one of substance, of definition. She uses examples of young men who recall being so beaten by fathers that they were forced to leave home, or of young women abandoned by mothers, to advocate the Sioux definition of family as extended community, where all adults were responsible for all children, as the most “healthy” for a community.
The context for Pipher's debate has been an on-going discussion in America about whether families are "broken"; we have long argued over particular issues that are implicated by changing gender roles such as the consequences of women in the workforce, day care, aging parents and nursing care, single parenting, divorce, and other volatile issues. Value-laden stereotypes are involved. Typically, religious and conservative voices have called for more traditional roles to be maintained; more liberal and non-traditional voices urge for more acceptance of different viewpoints. Pipher's intended readers would lean towards the more conservative views.
Pipher's reputation at the time of this writing depended on her publication of Reviving Ophelia (1994); ironically, Laura Bush a decade later is focusing her attention on the same kinds of concerns regarding adolescent boys.
As evidence and backing, Pipher examines the destructive influences that break down families: from idealized versions on television, to dysfunctional versions, the “culture of narcissism” and the pressures of contemporary culture on adult children who “after a certain age, … no longer have permission to love their parents” in a type of “socialized antipathy” (239). As enabling assumptions, Pipher notes that many cultures do not encourage children to abandon families for mates; however, western norms and especially Americans do value independence, to an extreme (240).
Pipher claims that we have now reached the “limits” of pushing individual rights to the point that “the rules of civility” are “crumbling”; “rudeness is everywhere” (240). Pipher ends by asserting that our culture has become so money-driven and so intent on the bottom line that “doing what is meaningful” as a family has become lost in the “commitment… to the self” and “doing what is reimbursed” (241).
In an Educational Leadership article (May 1998), Pipher adds to the discussion that we find on pp. 237+ by examining the impact that media portrayals have on our common expectations about family (which run to extremes of perfect to dysfunctional). Add notes here about this text???
I find myself remembering both my own “going away to college” and reflecting on my children’s experiences with separation from home; it’s never easy and perhaps it is harder on parents than on the children who leave. Parents are left “behind” while their children meet new friends and experience new ways of thinking. College students often do reach a point where they “prefer a community of friends to their biological families” (p. 238); but, as Pipher also acknowledges, “friends are harder to make in a world where people are busy, moving, and isolated” (p. 239. I recall having the luxury of spending time with new friends in the dorms, in college apartments, and during college activities; I often wonder what the experience of going to college would be like for my students who still live “at home” or who see college as just a matter of attending classes before going to work. I do agree that most American parents do hope that their children will be self-supporting and thus tend to encourage “leaving the nest” but I have also been fortunate both as a young adult who was supported by parents and as a parent who has been able to support my own children.
Wednesday, February 23: In this comparison of images, I’m actually more bothered by the depiction of the Scheibners (p. 245) because of the number of children: I deliberately had two children because I have strong beliefs about the fact that globally, our population needs to be held in check. The allusion to the “Onward Christian Soldiers” anthem of the crusades also begs analysis; the growing trend of home schooled students is of interest to me as an educator, especially since the evidence points undeniably towards the fact that home schooled students come to college better prepared for the rigors of academic study. Like Talbot, I question the extreme restrictions on these children, and I note the ironies of Talbot’s decisions not to explain why she and her husband have different last names or the implications of a growing cluster of advertisements for a Christian lifestyle.
Compositionally, Riedell’s photo centers the father in front of the big white house, surrounded by pretty children while his pleasant looking wife is pictured to the right; Seliger’s photo for Rolling Stone centers the mother (looking very natural with flowers in her hair) surrounded by other women and feminine allusions, while David Crosby as the lone male figure is situated to the right. It’s fairly obvious that in Riedell’s photo, the father is in control; whereas in Seliger’s photo, Melissa Etheridge has control of the set.
Both photos are promotional; the intention of the photographer is to entice the reader to examine the extremes of male / female dominations within family groups. (Ironically, even though I see my own family as much more traditional, most of my own family portraits are also female centered… humm.)
Note the statistics on www.childstat.gov; the number of children living with single parents is rising and the number of children living in poverty is also rising; anecdotally, I hear friends who are elementary teachers complaining more and more about children who are unable to learn. A friend who teaches third grade at a local elementary school told me yesterday that she's so tired of working with children who simply don't care to learn, because of parents who simply do not value education at all. She noted that these children don't even care to learn about their state (she's particularly interested in social studies and SC history) or the places that they might call home.
Anna Quindlen’s “The Good Enough Mother” contrasts the “new standards of mothering” with reflections on her own mother, who – according to Quindlen – might be seen as “neglectful” judged by today’s standards, but Quindlen’s point is that because “we live in a perfection society now,” no mother can measure up to “manic motherhood” as an “super-mom” who becomes a martyr. As Quindlen notes, “martyrs die” and it’s much more important to remember the fun times of family. Quindlen’s primary concept of her own mother was of a “safe place” which gave her freedom to roam, explore, and laugh.
Friday, February 25: In contrast to previous examinations of family (and most of these are really focused on mothers' roles - what about fathers?), James McBride’s mother, described in “Black Power” seemed to the young boy to be lacking in personal safety even though she was obviously in control: her refusal to answer his questions about her own background, however, and this son is bothered by a number of his mother’s denials: her “refusal to acknowledge her whiteness” (p. 262), her inability to give any quantity of time to any of the twelve children (two marriages are acknowledged on page 265), her insistence on “absolute privacy” and her distrust of all outsiders in general, her contradictory stances on issues such as welfare.
Monday, February 28: In conclusion, I’m struck by the extremes and the muddy middle; the mothers (and fathers?) who are idealized with all of their imagined picture perfect traits, and by all of the mothers and fathers who are actualized with all of their contradictions. In the end, we all have images of mothers and fathers and families who don’t quite get everything “right” even if we have a fixed image of what might even be called “right” – I recall again my own special father and his attempts to hold a family together after our mother’s tragically early death, as well as images of friends who had other problematic features in their families, and ultimately, I do agree that families serve to sustain and to support most of us throughout our lives.
The real “paradigm shift” that has occurred is that of moving away – physically – from the extended family of rural days; with children moving so much further away from mothers and fathers (perhaps exacerbated by divorce), and with fewer elderly parents staying in the homes of their children (fostered by an entire culture of assisted living arrangements), I believe that families are endangered. The cultural pressures on families are real; the environmental stresses are immense.
Every Sunday, I look over the pictures of young couples announcing engagements or recent marriages. Often, I’ve taught one or more of these young adults (and I especially look to see when they’ve graduated from USCA’s various degree programs and where they now have jobs). Most of them are about the same ages as my own adult children, so I sometimes know these young adults personally because of their prior involvements with my own family. I do think that it is possible to bring up the topic of family without polarizing debates about public policies, to cast family in terms of hope and compassion and support. I do think that a good place to examine families can be in analysis of the televised and advertised images in our culture, as well as to analyze current rhetorical debates (I heard President Bush this morning addressing the country's governors about the needs of families!).